june! i love you!

hi june!

welcome back!

how's the past year treating u? its quite a bumpy ride for u huh? oh well, almost a year has passed since the number was 27 for u. now, to add up another year to it, of course there's a helluva difference rite?

so what's up june?

new resolutions?

i may address a few that i have in my mind.

1. to be closer to Him.
this would require myself to be a better servant to Him. after all that had happened, i clearly realized that there is no one that i should turn to other than Him. He is always there. through my thick and thin. through my ups and downs. all the way. honestly, i only did turn myself to Him when i was feeling bitter. before, i went on with my life, those sweet times of mine, without remembering Him. i dismissed myself from Him and i learnt my lesson well. insyaAllah, words from the heart; i will try every day, to be a better me. i think that He is giving me chances to work myself up to becoming closer to Him, the Nabi and to my religion and beliefs. i screwed things pretty badly personally. i'm ashamed. so, i have to mend things with Him. i have to.

2. to achieve
achieve in a different kind of perspective. my mother, that's the utmost priority. everything about me revolves around her. so whatever she feels alright doing is fine with me. no from her, means no for me. my responsibility now is to attend to her. that's a promise i made to myself. my mother is my everything.

studies..my studies should come second. my work, my research, my dreams of becoming that someone is surely my goal. right now, i can't say i'm doing well, but i feel that i'm doing great. so, this one crucial year is left for me to prove that i can become that golden achiever that i wanna be. there may be obstacles along the way, i mean i still procrastinate and be off guard at times, but i'm getting there. :p. i wanna get there.

3. to feel secured
i myself is a control freak. these past years, i put my balance in life in the hands of my partner. with him, i felt comfortable. i felt great. i felt like i can do anything i wanna do with him. but to my surprise, when i left him, i was lost. i felt so vulnerable and hurt. so, i can't lay my feeling of security in the hands of my partner anymore. i have to find my peace. i have to be secured of myself. with or without anybody. i wanna prove to me that i'll be doing great independently. i can't depend on others. ever. period. whatever i can't do, i can do eventually even it takes time to learn. that, i knew from experience. that i seek in me in the future.

4. to be HAPPY, i mean really HAPPY
right now, i can become a zombie any time. even when i'm in a conversation, my thoughts can go elsewhere. that's how unfocus i could get. i can screen a happy me in front of others although i'm not realllly happy inside. i have an unsettling feeling inside me. the more i succumb myself to it, the more its eating me inside. so i have to seek peace with myself. my heart and my feelings. i won't allow it to be meddled by recent events. i can't be unhappy! that's just not me. to be really happy, that's what i wanna be.

5. to be an all-rounded person
i'm not perfect. i have my flaws that i'm not proud of. i'm trying each day to learn something new. be it to be forgiving. be it to be happier. be it to be interested in doing good deeds. i'm trying! but sometimes i feel like suffocating, as if although i'm telling others that i'm choking, there would be no rescue coming for me and at last, i sank. that's not good. i wanna be knowledgeable. i wanna be a new me. i want to be able to do what i can't do. i wanna test myself in doing stuff that i felt like i'm incapable of doing. i want to be a giggly me. a confident me. a better cook. an organized me. a non-procrastinator me. i wanna be that. i may not be perfect, but i want to be near perfect. at least i could try.

6. to have patience
this point, i'm working on continuously. i'm so impatient. even towards simple stuff, i'm easily ticked off. that's bad. i realized that i snapped to others easily. i'm so uncomfortable with that cause when i realized that i did it, i can't reverse myself from doing it. i can't rewind it as i pleased and i ended up hurting others without having the slightest idea. so i wanna have more patience in me. i wanna instill patience in me. i have to really be calm and collected. well, i've got to be granted a free pass during a certain week of the month, but maybe if  could control that too, i deserve a praise, then. so let me try doing that. :)

7. to seek a partner cum husband
i like the number 7. so i like this point a lot. i wanna get married. i dreamt to be married to a man that would love me because of Him. i want that man to tell me that we each other could help ourselves to become better Muslims. lilla hi ta ala. i want that man to be madly in love with me and be accepting of myself, who i am, what i believe in, my family and friends..and the list goes on. i want him to fight for me. lilla hi ta ala. i want that man to be there for me. i want a sincere man. i too want to be deserving for him. i too want him to want me for him. i believe, after recent events, He will guide me to this man of mine. my husband. :) oh sheesh, i can't wait. insyaAllah.

so i guess that's about it. in 21 days, i will write again insyaAllah. i am looking forward for June 2012. i think amazing stuffs will happen this month. i can feel it in my guts.

no more tears, june. no more sadness. throw them away, ya. lookout for the best. don't forget to hope for the best. work harder. the rainbow is on the way!

smile!